Chapter I

Return to Brokeback Mountain

I

            Ennis Delmar dreamed in his sleep.  It seemed as though each night he dreamed the same dream.  He would find himself outside someplace that was familiar and that brought him happiness. It always seemed to be so real and it brought him such happiness, something that he never seemed to have been able find anywhere else lately.  And every time in that dream he was with Jack who was always his usual and charming self, awkward and kwarky. Ennis could never really remember everything but he always remembered every morning that he was in a small piece of paradise where he was able to be with Jack where it seemed like it had all happened just a day before.   Living wasn’t quite the burden for Ennis anymore during these times like it normally had been lately while he was awake. Each morning that he awoke only made him eager for the night to fall again when he was finally able to lay down, close his eyes and once again drift out of this world where Jack Twist no longer lived. 

Slowly coming out of his slumber and still having to open his eyes Ennis laid naked in his bed. Faintly, he started to hear the sounds of the morning come to life and stir around him.  As he began to become aware of the real world surrounding him, slowly his dreams turned into an unwanted thinness and scatter as they faded away into darkness behind his closed eyes.  This was the time that he dreaded the most and what he didn't want to wake up to each morning for in that instant when he knew that he was back in the real world and his thoughts started to become clearer, that was the same time that that overwhelming sadness overtook him and engulfed him.  It felt as though a huge weight had been slowly set upon his chest making him feel weighed down and sinking him deep within his mattress.  The delightful face he held during his sleep washed away and transformed into a frown of gloom that stayed with Ennis through out the rest of the day while he remained awake and aware in the real world.   He didn't like the mornings, for as much as he wanted them to be something good to wake up to, they always started off as such a burden with that heavy sadness and it always arrived before he even had his eyes open.  At least he had stopped crying every day now after 4 weeks, making his eyes always red and sore by rubbing them dry from simply looking around at everything that threw reminders of Jack and himself being together.   

With a long deep breath followed by just as long of a heavy sigh Ennis opened his eyes looking straight up to the ceiling of his trailer.  He lifted his arms and rubbed his face with his hands and looked down at himself and then turned looking down his empty trailer as it slowly lit up in the dawn light.  Patiently he waited for the day for when he would be able to wake up and feel good once more without the burden that overtook him every morning as his dreams disappeared.  He knew that day would come.  It was just a matter of time and waiting for it to happen.  He thought to himself once, that for those unfortunate people he woke up like this every day and felt like this all the time with no hope of it ever lifting or going away, he could truly understand now why they wanted to die.  Because feeling like the way he had been for the past while, it wasn’t living.  Ennis knew though that for him this was not the case and that his day was coming when he would be able to live again.  It was just a matter of waiting for it to arrive.

Clearing his throat and coughing into his hand, Ennis gave a groan as he lifted himself from his bed and swung his legs over the edge planting his feet onto the gritty floor.  He looked at his clock and it read 5:12 am.  Once again he was awake before his alarm was to go off for 6:00 am.

The early summer morning slowly began to light up the night air as the crest of the sun broke over the plains in the distant horizon.  The fields were slowly painted a reddish gold revealing the white apparitions of mist hovering over them as the dawn began to break, unveiling the world from its nighttime cover.  The only sounds heard were that of morning birds calling from the few distant trees behind the trailer park.  There was no traffic in sight for miles on the outstretched highway as its darkened concrete lied wet with dew from the cool and humid night

People quietly came to life from their nightly slumber that lived in the trailer park. They began to stir in their modest homes starting their lives for another day.  Faint morning voices could be heard muffled from within their trailers eventually breaking the dawn silence to the outside as aluminum doors could be heard opening and clacked shut every so often. The shuffling of tired and heavy feet scraping on the bare ground could be heard scratching the dirt as people came in and out of their trailer. Inside, along the side of his own trailer, Ennis stared out of the window between the opened glass panes watching the sun rise over the prairie while drinking his coffee as he sat at the end his humble card table snuggled up against the wall.  He was sitting naked, unshaven and his hair was scruffy and messy with puffy bags under his eyes showing evidence of another restless night with poor sleep. He listened as the world came alive around him while he watched the morning sun reveal the plains that seemed to stretch out endlessly ahead of him. 

It was 6:21 am and already having been up for over an hour Ennis had hoped that the heaviness inside his chest that he had started to expect each day, and had become all too familiar, would not have found him this morning. Every morning it was the exact same thing as he began to awaken from his sleep and started to become conscious to the real world. For a short moment it always felt like the day was going to be normal again and he was going to feel good like before as his dreams began fade away.  But in that instance, after he realized that he was awakening to the real world, and he began to wonder if he was going to feel that sinking heaviness come over him of feeling lonely and being alone, but he also reminded himself at the same time of why he felt that way and then, yet again, his emotions fell heavily upon him. They settled onto him like a mountain of rocks that sunk inside of him and during the day, while on his feet, he carried it around with him everywhere he went.  Because of this Ennis always looked forward to the end of each day when he was able to go back to bed and not have to put up with this unbearable feeling of emptiness and to have the dreams of his sleep lift the weight out him and give him some peace once again, even if it was just for a little while.  He couldn’t wait for that one morning when he would wake up and hold his happiness with him from his dreams throughout the day. 

So until that morning arrived, Ennis patiently waited for the time when his thoughts of Jack would stop making him feel so lonely. He desperately wanted to stop looking at everything around him and having it draw out some memory of Jack for him to dwell on, especially the ones that he kept close by on the inside door his wooden clothes closet.  The fonder memories made Ennis feel lonelier, and the not so good ones made him have so many regrets.  He wanted the days to arrive where he could reflect on their friendship and feel happy, fulfilled and maybe even laugh, instead of sadly wishing for one more of their old trips they regularly made up to Brokeback Mountain. Tolerating the heartbreak for one more time to make up for lost moments and opportunities at a place where nothing else in the world seemed to matter or be wrong.  He kept wishing that it all didn't have to end, but painfully Ennis tried to realize that no such thing was going to happen, ever again.

Today was the day of Ennis’s daughter Alma Jr.’s’ wedding and he wanted to be sure to show her that he was truly happy for her as he was.  He wanted to make sure that this was going to be her special day. But having known the fate of Jack of being no longer in this life for only the past few weeks, Ennis’s’ sorrow still had a strong grip on him. It was more than he would've liked and that he even expected.  He missed Jack, he thought to himself almost all day long every day. Practically every thought of Jack made Ennis’s eyes sting and his throat swell sorely as he fought with himself to not break down by clearing his throat and taking deep breaths. 

Reluctantly, unfortunately, Ennis still planned on going Alma Jr.’s wedding. He felt badly for feeling such a way for her, but it was more because he just didn't have the motivation or ambition due to his burdens manifesting at the worst of times when they should’ve been the best. He in no way, though, wanted to let his daughter down and had no intention of doing so.  He wanted to be able to give his daughter away on this special day, a joyous day for her. The man she was marrying seemed to be really good to her Ennis noticed from the few times he had met him.   Ennis had never seen Alma Jr. so happy. She and her man loved each other so much and they timidly showed it no matter how subtle they tried not to.  A small touch here or a bashful look there told it all for those two. They always reminded Ennis of being like a couple of shy excited children, anxious to get out and begin their first day back at school.  Ennis knew a lot about that kind of excitement. Being in love, but he never imagined it the way it had actually happened. It didn't matter to him now anyhow about how you cared and felt for someone.  He knew that once it did happen you couldn't get out of it no matter how hard you tried. He was never sure as well if he had showed it as much as his daughter had either.  Who knew, for with the way he was feeling now, he thought to himself that he had to have done so.  Maybe that’s how Alma found out about it before while they were married Ennis often thought. He always wondered how she was able to figure it out just from the fishing tackle. He also wondered, and hoped, was she the only one.

Not being in the most best of social moods, Ennis figured that if he just acted normal and kept a low profile at Alma Jr.s’ wedding no one would bother him and he wouldn't have to try to engage in any pointless unwanted conversation.  He just didn’t want to speak to too many people so he wouldn't have to answer endless and useless questions about nothing and that he didn't want to bother to answer or even cared about at the moment. But the one thing he did want to talk about, Jack Twist, he wasn't able to with anyone. He just needed and wanted to keep to himself.  He thought that he would probably even leave early from the reception.  To avoid seeming like a big downer for the whole night Ennis thought that maybe that would be the best. 

He picked up his coffee mug and took a deep breath looking into the bottom of his mug at his last sip he had and tipped it back into his mouth.  Setting the mug back down on the table Ennis got up and started to get ready and prepare himself to leave his trailer and drive his old beat up Ford truck to the church for the wedding ceremony in a couple of hours.

Off the main road and huddled away quaintly within a few trees, inside a small size church Alma Jr. got married.   The day remained sunny and bright with only a few of clouds that drifted by above once in a while casting its shadow below on the ground providing some brief and welcomed coolness to the dry heat of the sun..

Outside of the church there were only a couple of cars parked to the side of the church for the modest number of guests that attended. Alma Jr. didn’t want to have a ‘too large a show going on’ as she put it, for her wedding so the guest list was humble.  The floors in the church were old wooden planks laid down years ago that creaked with every step you took and the benches showed significant signs of aging darkened with stains from years of hands holding on to them and some slight evidence of an old paint jobs that exposed itself on sharp corners and deep creases within the wood.  There were grooves in the wood benches by the hands and bottoms of countless people from sitting in them and standing themselves up from the decades that the church had stood.  A faint musty smell of old wood and mothballs hit you as you came through the doors from the outside air.  It was a smell that reminded you of visiting your grandmas’ house and made you feel as comfortable as being at home for the holidays. 

The church had no organ but there was an old upright piano that someone played the traditional wedding song as Alma and Ennis came through the main doors at the back of the church.  Awkwardly Ennis walked Alma Jr. down the aisle towards her groom.  She was the highlight of the day as she held a permanent smile on her face while she was walked down the aisle and put into the hands of her future husband to be. Ennis felt shy and awkward, as he always felt, and even more so around the current small crowd of people. 

As happy as she was on her day Alma Jr. was not blind to the fact that something was troubling her father. Especially on this day that was supposed to be a celebration and she thought he would've been happier for her.  She noticed that he walked around like a huge weight was on his shoulders and an invisible dark cloud was hanging over him.   For the past while since she had asked him for his blessing to get married she noticed he had seemed terribly sad about something.  He didn't seem as happy as he had been before and somehow he managed to even make that difficult to see.  But lately he always looked as though he had become lost or that he had lost a large part of himself.  He carried himself around as though that he was missing something that was helping him be alive.  Not something like air or food, but something that gave him will and desire.  Alma Jr. never attempted to ask Ennis about it for she didn't like to pry and she knew that her father was pretty private about certain things.  She thought that he did it to probably protect her.  But no matter how he tried to hide what had been troubling him lately, she always did see it.

After the ceremony everyone from the church joined a few other people to the reception hall where the meals were laid out and after supper a DJ played some country music for the guests to dance to.  The lights were dimmed and slowly the seats became empty and scattered as people became more interested with dancing than sitting and talking. Cigarette smoked filled the dimly lit hall and people danced through it to the music bellowing out from the home stereo used by the hired cowboy DJ. 

Ennis, just as he had planned, sat back in behind the tables in the far corner of the hall watching people enjoy themselves dancing while he drank his beer and smoked a cigarette.  He slouched in his chair deep enough and had his hat tipped down his head far enough that its shadow completely covered his face as he looked on through the smoky room.  Alma, Ennis’s ex wife, saw Ennis behind her when she was looking around the hall to see all who had attended.  She looked at him sitting alone lazily slouching in his chair with one of his arms on the table from a few yards away.  She noticed, as well, that he was just watching people and making little effort to engage in any conversation, looking tired and withdrawn.  Turning around back in her chair she leaned over and spoke softly into the ear of her new husband.  Casually, but seemingly cautious, she walked towards Ennis’s table weaving her way through the empty chairs that people had left out from the tables to go to the dance floor.  As Ennis took a pull from his cigarette and inhaled it he saw Alma coming towards him.  He took a look at is cigarette and set it into the ashtray before he removed his hat and stood up clumsily from his chair to greet her He watched her as she walked through the tables and saw how pretty she still was.  He remembered her sweet laugh and the patience she had of him when they were still married and raising their small children together doing the best they could to make ends meet with what little they had.  As he watched her he notice that she seemed to have become a little heavier than before but on a closer look Ennis saw that she was actually pregnant.  She got closer and Ennis could see from the look on her face that she had something serious on her mind.  He started to become uncomfortable and began feeling his guard getting up a bit.  He didn't know what it was going to be about but he was hoping that she wasn’t coming up to him to start arguing over nothing.  He knew her well enough to be self assured that she would not create a scene under such circumstances but she looked serious enough to make him feel awkward.

“How ya doin’ Ennis,” Alma asked once she finally reached him through the array of chairs and stopped to stand a couple of feet away from him like she would a questionable stranger.

Ennis subtly nodded to her, “Hello Alma. Well, I’m doin’ fine.  Managin’.  How are you,” he asked exchanging glances between her and her blossomed stomach.

“I’m doin’ well myself, thank you. Joshua and I are gonna have a baby in the fall.”

“I’m glad to hear that.  Congratulations,” Ennis responded showing signs of his discomfort with his dancing eyes having trouble making direct eye contact with Alma.  He thought that Alma was the only one that knew or suspected anything so far of him and his relationship with Jack Twist. As far as he knew she was the only one who had figured it out about him and Jack going up to Brokeback Mountain and how it was much more than just a couple of buddies who had gone fishing for a week or two.  He had hoped that the precautions he had taken would've helped cover his other life. But his unfortunate lies and sneaking ways caught up with him somehow. All the same though, she wasn't forgiving about it and inside he was wishing hard that she hadn’t come up to him now.

“I heard about your old fishin’ friend. Jack Twist,” Alma said, sort of smug and without any feeling for the matter it seemed. 

Ennis moved his head up and drew back slightly looking at Alma unsure as to where she was trying to go with this. To Ennis, it looked as though she had come with her defenses up.  He was expecting her to lash out at him since her composure did seem slightly on the defensive side but Ennis was ready at any moment to bolt should she try to say or do anything out of line on this subject.  He didn’t know how he would react this time or how he would be able to control himself should she attempt anything he would deem inappropriate.  Ennis remembered the last time at that damned Thanksgiving and he wasn’t going to be responsible for causing something now and certainly not over Jack Twist. 

A slight look of remorse then washed over Alma’s face and she said, “I just wanted to say… Well, I just wanted to tell you, I'm sorry,” Alma told him with the lingering heartbreak that still showed in her face, yet she continued to try and be compassionate.

Ennis didn't know how to take the gesture and looked back towards the floor trying to figure things out again, nodding his head and as he glanced back and forth to Alma he responded, “Thank you.”

Alma took in a deep breath feeling a slight weight lifted while straightening herself up in her posture hoping that what she said was ok and that it wasn't provoking anything with Ennis.  She let out the long breath trying her best to maintain her own composure and not become emotional reflecting on that day she first met Jack Twist and saw what he and Ennis were aside of her.  She didn't understand how she was not enough for Ennis, especially when it wasn't with another woman.  But she didn't like to be angry and resentful.  He never did treat her badly, beat her or made her feel unworthy.  He was the father of their two daughters and for their sake she wanted to keep a neutral truce.  She wondered often how she wasn't enough for him but then she turned and looked back to her new husband reminding herself where her heart now laid. Alma  returned her attention to Ennis trying to erode the engraved image in her head of him and Jack lip locked in the stairwell that first day Jack came back into Ennis's life.

Still feeling betrayed but trying to understand she gave a frowned smile to Ennis, “Well, you take care of yourself Ennis,” Alma said as she turned away and began to walk back to her husband not waiting for a response from Ennis before leaving.

Hesitantly Ennis responded, “You too, Alma,” but she had already started walking away without looking back making Ennis unsure as to whether or not she had heard him or not.

Ennis reached back to the ashtray for his cigarette and took one last drag form it before crushing it with his trembling hand. He then grabbed his hat and placed it back upon his head, grabbed his jacket from the back of his chair and left the reception halls double doors, down through the fully lit hallway and turned to the left to get out by the main entrance down the corridor 

A thousand thoughts and memories flooded inside of Ennis's head all at once that had happened over the past twenty years.  He felt like he was drowning, losing his breath trying to swim through the memories that were all of Jack and of Brokeback Mountain, Alma, his girls and the things he did, were afraid of and ran from.  He tried to keep his head above ones that were all beautiful but yet were painful.  He asked himself what would've happened if he had just gave in a little, set his own reservations aside just a bit, what would things be like now and how would they have worked out. He thought of what  Alma must've gone through and what she had to tolerate.  He thought of things that maybe he should’ve done, things that maybe he could've done but his fear always got in the way. He wondered what if he had overcome it, would Jack still be here with him.  It all could've been so different and not the way it was now.  The way it was without Jack Twist. 

Ennis walked out of the recreation center's main entrance and into the outdoor parking lot, his eyes welling and hands shaking as his throat started to become sore from the pressure inside.  As he walked he felt as though his knees were going to buckle out from under him. He couldn't walk fast enough to get to his truck sooner so he could leave. The moon was full, bright and up high casting a somber blue light and night shadows on everything its dim light touched.  It was humid and cool and with every breath he took it showed in the late summer air; a light mist hugging past his cheeks as he walked, that disappeared into the night as it passed back behind his hair.  Autumn was on the way.

Ennis walked briskly across the parking lot hurriedly weaving himself through the cars trying to get to his truck as fast as he could without running before anyone could see him in case he broke down and cried.  Then Alma Jr. burst out through the doors of the recreation center stopping to scan around and try to see if Ennis was still near by. Once she saw him off to the side walking through the cars her heart slightly sank, disappointed that he was leaving.  Then clumsily she started to chase after him holding her wedding dress off the ground in her hands while trying her best to run in her high heel shoes through the gravel.

“Daddy, wait,” Alma Jr. called out as she dashed through the parking lot making her way in between the cars to reach Ennis.

Ennis stopped but didn’t turn around right away when he heard Alms Jr..  He wiped his wet eyes quickly with the back of his hands trying to hide his obvious state before turning to his daughter.  He didn't want her to see him like this. 

Alma Jr. slowed down to a walk as she came closer to Ennis noticing him trying to clean himself up and wondering what he had to cry about. She worried that he wasn't happy for her, or perhaps he even was and this is how he showed it.  Either way she didn't like to see him upset.

“Daddy,” Alma Jr. asked as she walked up to Ennis.  She delicately placed her hand on his shoulder while he still had his back to her, “Daddy?  Is everything alright?”

Ennis turned around, holding his head low sniffling and wiping his nose, “Hey Junior,” he addressed her is his deep articulate voice.

“Daddy, you ok? What's wrong?”

“Oh, I'm ok.  Just a bit cold outside here that's all.”

“Are you leaving,” Alma Jr. asked disappointed.

“Yeah, I'm headin’ home now, Jr..”

“But it’s still so early.  Won't you stay a little while longer?”

“Well, I really need to be gettin’ back.  I gotta get up early tomorrow mornin’ to the ranch. Gotta make up for my time.”

Unconvinced with Ennis’ reason Alma Jr. said, “Ok Daddy.”  She didn't want to pressure him with anymore other than what he was willing to let her know.  She was just simply happy that he even came when she thought he almost wouldn't.

“You go on back in there and have fun.  I’ll talk to you tomorra,” Ennis told Alma Jr.

“Alright Daddy,” Alma Jr. said as she moved in to hug Ennis.  Awkwardly he embraced her hugging her from under her arms and patted her back lightly but Alma Jr. hugged him full and hard closing her eyes as she rested her chin on his shoulder in their embrace. 

“Thank you for taking me to my new husband,” Alma Jr. said lightly, brushing Ennis’ hair and then she let him go.

She then tried to look Ennis in the eyes to which Ennis reacted to by dipping his head with a tip of his hat and looking to the ground hiding his face behind it.

“So you go on back inside,” Ennis told her shooing her lightly with his hand. 

Alma Jr. walked backwards smiling a bit at Ennis trying to be reassured that he was alright as he said he was.  She was sure that she saw him crying but with the poor lighting and it being dark outside she couldn’t tell for sure.  Even the bright moonlight on the clear evening could not reveal anything too well and her eyes had not fully adjusted to the darkness yet either from the lights inside the recreation hall.  Reluctant to leave her father behind Alma Jr. hesitantly turned around and walked back to the recreation center as Ennis watched her until she was back inside.  Stopping at the door to take one last look at her father before going in, Alma Jr. open the glass door and returned to her reception.  Slowly, as the doors closed shut behind her, Ennis turned back around putting his hands in his pants pockets and calmly continued on walking towards his truck.